The Exorcist (Durarara version)
by Tiger Empress 546
Summary: Shizuo is hired to assist an elderly man's problem child Izaya and we get an iside look at what really happened to make the loathe each other. I don't own Shrek, nor do I own Durarara. All rights go to the original owners. Enjoy!


Now then, something beyond comprehension, was happening to a little boy on this street, in this house. A man had come as a last resort because no one else would go near the place.

A window smashed from above and sent a box tumbling at the feet of Shizuo Heiwajima who was the only one the desperate father could contact, that wasn't terrified of the boy.

The ex bartender stepped up to the doorway and knocked on the door, until an elderly man opened the door. He stumbled back at the sight of the intimidating man that towered over him.

"I hear you've been expecting me?" Shizuo said gruffly adjusting his sunglasses onto his face.

The man nodded quickly. "You are the..."

"That's right." Shizuo interrupted. "I am...the babysitter!" (thunder crashed outside for dramatic effect).

"Yes! Yes! Thank goodness, you've come!" The man said.

Shizuo paused for a moment to glance at a cat swallowing a fish from the empty fish tank with an innocent look on its face. Shizuo turned his gaze back to the elderly man.

"My boy, I don't know what's gotten into him. I've never seen anything like it." "Trust me, buddy, there's nothing that the strongest man in Ikeburough can't handle!" Shizuo said letting his alter ego get ahead of him, until a noise from upstairs beckoned both men's attention.

"Father!" A child-like voice sang from the room upstairs. "Father!" "OK, then." Shizuo frowned, already reconsidering his new employment that could possibly prove fatal. (even if he did have his superhuman strength and amazing durability).

"Look, I'm telling you, I've tried everything in the book, you see?!" The man said revealing a book, entitled, "How To Discipline a Child That's Much Smarter Than You.'

"Oh, come on now, you're going to listen to some idiotic nutcase?" Shizuo narrowed his eyes at the book, and shoved his way past the flustered old man, and made his way upstairs, with the man following behind nervously.

"You don't understand, sir, I've never seen anything like it. It's like he's two different people!" The blonde scoffed at the man's horrified expression. "What your kid needs is discipline, not a lot of physiological mumbo-jumbo. You just gotta walk in there look him in the eye, and show him whose..."

Shizuo opened the door to the problem child's room and he froze at the sight of a young boy doing flips on his bed, in an unnatural human position, while singing gibberish.

"Please tell me he's an only child," The blonde murmured, hoping there weren't any other creepy children lurking around where he couldn't see them. "Bubblegum, fish pins, bah, bah, boo!" The boy sang joyously.

Shizuo cautiously approached the child, and gave a nervous smile and a wave. "Um, hello."

The boy sat up, and spun his head around in a 360 degree angle. "Oh, here's your problem, his head's not screwed on right!" Shizuo smiled, and held the boy's head in his hands, and lowered his large hands on his tiny shoulders.

"When you wish upon a star, you get lots of stuff!" The boy said. Shizuo gave the boy a firm look. "Well, I wish for a nice quiet evening, where you go to sleep and I raid the icebox." The boy smiled. "OK!" He exclaimed, while striking the blonde in the face with his feet. "Ow, hey, stop, ow, oh!"

the blonde was kicked to the floor, as the little boy lay down in his bed and fell asleep, obviously to avoid the wrath of the new, more threatening-looking babysitter.

Shizuo got up off of the floor, and looked at the peacefully sleeping child. He turned to his father, who was unconvinced of his son's sudden change in behavior. "See, that was easy." Shizuo mused, obviously unaware that the boy began to float ominously upwards towards the ceiling.

"When it comes to good parenting, you have to be fair but firm, you just show them that you mean business, and he's out of bed again isn't he?" The ex bartender frowned, studying the man's worried expression that pointed to the bed. Shizuo turned and then looked upwards at the floating youngster. Grumbling to himself, Shizuo grabbed the boy by his ankles and forced him back down onto his bed. The child shrieked as he fell onto his bed. The ex bartender held the boy in a firm grasp.

"Alright, what's this all about?" Shizuo demanded, figuring that tough love was a way to get this kid to open up.

"Voices!" The boy answered. Shizuo studied the boy's crazed face for a moment. "Voices?" He repeated, thinking that this boy was in worse shape than he thought.

"Uh, uh, in here! Telling me what to do!" The boy sang, pointing to his head. "You have voices inside your head?" Shizuo gave a nervous chuckle.

"Sometimes!" The boy giggled mischievously. "And what kind of things do they tell you to do?" The man inquired unprepared for what happened next.

The boy said nothing, and then he released a volcano of some type of sticky substance all over the ex bartender. After a few moments of regurgitation, the boy stopped, allowing Shizuo to wipe off the sticky substance coating him.

Suddenly, the boy leapt of of the bed and starting kicking Shizuo in the legs randomly, while singing, 'the early bird catches the worm!"

The blonde tried to grab him, but the kid ran round so fast.. "What's gotten into this kid!" Shizuo growled, trying to snatch the little twit in his hands, wishing his reflexes were enhanced instead of his strength.

The elderly man had his book opened to a chapter, entitled, "Lullabies will soothe your savage little beast."

"Maybe you should sing him a little song." He suggested. The strongest man in Ikeborough finally had quite enough for one day.

"Do I look like the kind of guy that knows a lullaby?!" He snarled.

"SING!" the child screamed, in his face.

Seconds later, Shizuo had the boy cradled in his large arms, while singing a lullaby. "Lullaby, and goodnight, close your big creepy eyes, if you sleep, away I'll creep, and get out of here alive."

Shizuo wasn't the type for singing, but he definitely wanted to leave this place, sanity in check. Finally, the boy feel asleep, and the normally short tempered man couldn't help but crack a small smile at his peaceful sleeping form.

"Aww, you know once you get past all the teeth marks, and bruises, he's actually kind of cute." Shizuo turned his gaze back to the sleeping child, who was no longer there! Shizuo looked around frantically. "Now where he go?!"

He turned to look at the older man, who cowered behind the bed, while pointing upwards towards the ceiling, fearfully. Shizuo looked up to see the maniac child crawling on the ceiling.

"A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush!" He sang, while turned his head backwards to face a deadpanned blonde.

"Now there's something you don't see everyday." He commented, before the psychotic child lunged for said man's face, and strangled him, kicking, biting, and clawing.

"Get him off!" Shizuo shouted, momentarily forgetting his inhuman strength that could easily send this kid skyrocketing to the moon and back. Shizuo grabbed the boy by the two arms which was his biggest mistake because the boy was swinging forward with his legs out, and targeted straight for.. Crack! The shoes connected with Shizuo's groin. His eyes bulged out of their sockets. He doubled over in agony, as he let the boy out of his grasp to clutch his wounded area. He snarled savagely at the boy who was know sitting Indian-style on the floor, looking at him innocently.

That's when the strongest man in Ikebourough finally cracked.

Crashing furniture, tearing fabrics and smashed walls, was a nightly affair, as an angry ex bartender chased the little nuisance throughout the tiny bedroom. "Come back here, you!" The blonde roared. "I regret nothing!"

The boy hollered jumping out of the window, shattering glass, and falling continuously down cement steps. His amazing durability and reflexes eased the pain of the rough descent.

The boy landed roughly in the streets, while onlookers paid him no mind, by stepping over the fallen child.

He shook his head vigorously, allowing a small being to escape from inside his ears.

"Eww! I'm too young to have termites!" He shrieked.

The small being dusted himself off to look up at the frightened boy.

"I'm no termite, Izaya. I'm a human." Izaya frowned.

"You were the voice in my head this whole time?" The man smiled. "That's right, I was the one who was putting all those thoughts in your noggin. I'm your conscious, and as long as you let me, I'll always be your..." Splat!

Izaya stomped the tiny sized human with his foot, before cackling madly.

And that my dear children, was how Shizuo and Izaya became bitter enemies.


End file.
